Perfectionism

I think I'm a perfectionist. You wouldn't think it just by looking at my life, but I'm beginning to realize it.

Lately, I've been waking up in the morning hectic and stressed out and falling asleep at night confused and frazzled. In the morning it's becuase the second I hear the beeping of my alarm, I'm buzzing with thoughts about all the things I feel like I should do that day. For instance, the frist 5 minutes of my day today went like this "It's 7:30...I should get up and get dressed really fast. I should go to the prayer chapel before class. I should dress nice so I look effortlessly sophisticated. No, I should dress in a tshirt and jeans because I shouldn't care about what image people see in me. But I really want to look nice. I should buy cuter clothes. I should get all my reading done for my 1:15 so people think I'm really smart. What if I don't have anythign to say in class? I should be more opinionated and know what I think about everything. I don't want to go to class this morning. I want to read and drink coffee. I shouldn't drink coffee...it's too addictive. I should eat healthier and not drink coffee. But I really like coffee."

Then at night, I lie in bed thinking about all the ways I failed at doing the things I felt like I should have done all day long "I shouldn't have wasted time in the shower today. I should have gone running. I should have engaged more at Wheaton. I should have gone to the school today to see kids. I should have spent more time with God. I should have gotten my fleece back from Maz. I should have not been dissapointed when Dan and I didn't get to hang out as much as I wanted because his friend came into town. I really liked hanging out with him and his friend, though. I shouldn't be as selfish as I am. I should do better at just relaxing and being myself." Inevitably, one of my last thoughts every night is "I shouldn't think this much."

All this just because I think there's the image of the perfect girl...perfect student, perfect younglife staff, perfect friend, perfect girlfriend...that I should be being. Every morning I wake up immediately trying to figure out who that is, I spend all my day trying to figure out what she would do, and spend my last couple minutes at night beating myself up for not being her. The wierd thing is...she doesn't exist. I tell myself to be her because I think she's what Dan wants, what my parents want, what my friends want, what God wants. But really she's only what I want...I want to be someone who's loved by all those people. No one in my life ever loved me because I was something other than myself. No one has ever told me that they wanted me to be different (in the case of God most obviously as he created me). I just started believing that I needed to be.