Two Month thoughts...a month and a half late

Cleaning and scrubbing can wait til tomorrow, 

'cause children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow. 

So quiet down cobwebs, dust go to sleep. 

I'm rocking my baby, 'cause babies don't keep.

This whole post could be summed up by that poem.  So...there's that.  Also I wrote this 6 weeks ago and never published it.  Mom of the year right here.

This morning, after Emily woke up around 6ish, she ate, and I thought would do one of the greatest things a baby can do: go straight back asleep for another 2-3 hours.

But then she was kinda squirmy...not really content in her swing, so I brought her into my bed with the pacifier.  And we both laid there for a while, both of us in and out of sleep and me sticking her pacifier in if she was getting fussy.  We were both half awake / half asleep.

There are a lot of things I don't love, in theory, about that whole scenario.  Using a pacifier to help her go to sleep, not sleeping in her crib, and me wanting to be asleep myself more than anything else.  Because even if she was asleep, it's after 6:30 - I shouldn't I be awake, getting dishes done, getting dressed, getting some work done?

At one point she was finally seeming like she just didn't want to be asleep anymore, so i picked her up and cradled her and started rocking.  She fell asleep instantly.  And I swear I could have sat there rocking her like that for days.

The dishes will still be there in a few hours.  Work can wait.  She's only 8 weeks old and has plenty of time to learn to fall asleep on her own in her crib.  This time, where the most comforting thing to her is to be held, this is a time that will pass all too soon.

When I was pregnant she was intimately a part of me.  Yet from the moment her heart started beating, her life has been a process of getting ready to be independent.  In utero they are getting ready to live outside in the world.  And as they grow, each new milestone and development is a process of her being able to do things on her own - move, eat, learn, everything.  And that's a good thing.  My greatest desires for Emily are not for her to remain incredibly dependant on Dan and myself for pretty much every need she has.  I pray that she grows into a strong, beautiful woman.  I pray that she learn empathy and compassion, is full of joy, that she experiences all the beauty and wonder that God created in this world.  That she loves others and learns the joy of being loved.  None of that can happen if she just stays a little, helpless baby.

But for now, that's what she is.  I will start working again in a few short weeks and already I feel a sense of loss at the simplicity of our time together.  Just me and her.

Which is why the dishes can wait, and work can wait, and she can learn to fall asleep on her own another time.  Right now, we're just going to cuddle.